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I will never be rich. I will never be beautiful. I will never be famous, or powerful, or beloved. I will never be truly happy, nor ever truly satisfied in any aspect of my life.

But, uncountable years from now, when I’m the last living thing watching as the universe expires from heat death, I’ll be able to hold my head up proud, knowing that at least once in my life, I set another human being on fire. And I’ll whisper to to myself: “cool”. Because that’s pretty damned badass and maybe that is satisfaction.

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Like this sign I saw yesterday:

Come for the innuendo, stay for the inexplicable omega!

It seems to be a theme with them– my coworker took this picture months ago:

Seriously, what is up with you people? A simple comma would have fixed this!

It’s a sick, sick world. But that’s okay, they even have a sign to express my feelings about that!

I hate humanity.

So, you should shop at J&R, if only to keep them in business, and me entertained.

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James Earl Jones when I’m being intimidating (but don’t know it.)
Morgan Freeman when I’m in jail (guess you can go home, Morgan!)

Also…

Vin Diesel when I’m being bad ass (which almost never happens)
Paul Lynde when I’m being gay (which only happens slightly more often).
James Mason when I’m serious (which happens even less often).
Julia Child when I’m cooking (that DOES happen often).
James Burke when I’m talking about science.
Cary Grant when I’m being romantic (now we’re back to doesn’t happen)
Sam Elliot when I’m just too cool to even be a badass, but just chill like The Dude (it *could* happen!)
Alan Rickman when I’m being evil.
Mandy Patinkin when I’m exacting vengeance.
Sean Connery when I’m insulting somebody’s mother.
John Huston when I’m being a nerd. (He narrated The Hobbit)

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I’m gonna open a place called “Manly-Pedi”! It’s just what it sounds like– a salon for men who want things like manicures, but fear for their masculinity. It’ll be done up with manly things! It’ll be as if a Caterpillar backhoe carrying taxidermy crashed into monster truck filled with mixed martial arts videos and booze, then they both spun out into a hardware store. It would even smell like a hardware store! (I love that smell.) Also, there will be strippers.

I can hear the commercials now:

- “Yeah! get your Manly-Pedi on!”

- “It’s a salon! [Grunting, fighting noises] It’s a saloon! [Animal roars and a chainsaw] It’s Manly-Pedi! [Explosion!]”

- “Buy two, get a third one free, so bring two friends [Three-way fist-bump, which then explodes] and leave groomed like men!”

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A)  Use a Leatherman for “personal” grooming

B)  Drunk-text an ex-.

C)  Spackle.  The Ceiling.

D)  Dance to “I Thought You Were My Boyfriend” by Magnetic Fields.

E)  Punch a wall in anger.

F)  Punch a wall in ennui.

G)  Hit on a girl in a bar who seemed to be flirting with me, but who turned out to not be single.  Or interested in dudes.

Well, if you said A, you were wrong. If you said B, you were wrong. If you said C, you were wrong. If you said any one of the above, you were wrong. If you said all of the above you were wrong! Mirabile dictu!

Amazed? Probably not. But you know what might amaze you? If you said “none of the above, jackass, I see through your un-clever ruse, jerk”, you were right!

I did none of those things tonight, drunkenly or not! Badass! Okay, not badass, but… hooray for setting the bar low!

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WTF?!?! A Jerky Cannon?!?! Is this the greatest thing ever?! Never has shooting yourself in the face sounded so delicious!!

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The snooze button is the opioid of the workday morning.
You use it once because you need it.
But its power is seductive. Every time you use it, you need a little less incentive to use it the next time.
And this is a dangerous path, for soon you may find yourself using it too much. You feel it eroding away at you, yet you keep using it
Before long, it is in control, and you are helpless to do anything but its will.
You have lost yourself to it.
It has won.

But let’s say the person you’re trying to warn doesn’t do drugs. Maybe this warning doesn’t speak to her. Maybe she’s more of a Fantasy fan. Maybe you should try this warning:

The snooze button is the The One Ring of the workday morning. [sic]
You use it once because you need it.
But its power is seductive. Every time you use it, you need a little less incentive to use it the next time.
And this is a dangerous path, for soon you may find yourself using it too much. You feel it eroding away at you, yet you keep using it
Before long, it is in control, and you are helpless to do anything but its will.
You have lost yourself to it.
It has won.

Great. But now, what if the person you’re talking to dismisses Tolkien and Fantasty? Maybe this is a Sci-fi fan you need to warn. I gotcha covered:

The snooze button is the dark powers of The Force of the workday morning.
You use it once because you need it.
But its power is seductive. Every time you use it, you need a little less incentive to use it the next time.
And this is a dangerous path, for soon you may find yourself using it too much. You feel it eroding away at you, yet you keep using it
Before long, it is in control, and you are helpless to do anything but its will.
You have lost yourself to it.
It has won.
Wasn’t that useful?  No?  Really, are you at all surprised?  I didn’t think so.

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If you said “this guy” then congratulations: you’re me! Welcome to Awesomeville, population: you!

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