Danmail

Why I Am not a Christia– er Homosexual.

Sorry, got a little Bertrand Russell there.

Why I am not a homosexual.
By Dan Meltz.
(Quite possibly Grade 5)

There are those who will tell you that I’m not gay because I’m attracted to women, not because of anything to do with musical theater. Bah! Superstitious nonsense I say– beliefs held by people who clearly aren’t scienticians. Let me scientifically demonstrate to you the reasons why I am not gay. There are two reasons, scientifically valid and, though a bit difficult and math-intensive for the layperson, I believe my audience has the sufficient education and intellectual capacity to grasp the concepts involved.

Reason #1:
I hate musical theater. Musical theater is gay; gay is musical theater. Musicals are the center of all that is gay. If you get out your gayger counter and walk around detecting queerks, you can prove this to yourself. Go to a giant gay orgy. Put on your hip waders and walk to the middle of that teeming, writhing mass of a hundred or more sweaty, naked, undulating gay men thrashing in gay, sexual lust, with more gay asses getting fucked than on a gay donkey gay sex farm. If you’re getting turned on right now, it’s okay; I’m a sexy writer. Stand in the middle and check the readings. Assuming you’re not at some kind of lemon party (I am not going to link to that) you’ll find you’re reading about 100-300 milligarlands (that’s 100-300 quadrillion queerks per second per centimeter squared). Now saunter on up to Broadway. Don’t even go inside, just stand anywhere near “Promises, Promises”. You’ll read over 150 million milligarlands just standing on the sidewalk. That’s 15 megagarlands! If those were gamma rays, you’d be fifteen feet tall, green, and smashing the living shit out of everything in sight. If they were gaymma rays, you’d be fifteen feet tall, a fetching dark shade of lavender, and redecorating the shit out of everything in sight. Musical theater is more central to being gay that having gay sex with gay men in a gay fashion, and I don’t like musical theater. Clearly, gay is not for me.