Danmail

Have you seen the Shake Weight?  It’s yet another in an endless stream of miracle get-in-shapeinators.  To it’s credit, this one doesn’t claim to “do it all”, but just claims to get women those long, lean, sexy arms for which they are, apparently, always questing. 

But what is probably the most interesting thing about it is that not a single human being over the age of twelve will ever watch the commercial without immediately thinking the same thing.  Here, you can watch the commercial yourself.

You just thought the same thing everybody else did, which was “wow, it’s the Handjob Trainer!”

Well, now they are coming out with a Shake weight for men.  Or maybe they already have.  I don’t know.  What I do know is that they missed an opportunity to have the corporate partnership, cross-branding enterprise of the century. 

Think about what you just watched, and what product should be combined with this:

Why, of course it could be nothing other than this:

Oh, but I’m not done with you yet. You see, while looking for that second image I found out more about the Fleshlight than I really wanted to know.  Sure, I already knew that you could replace the “insert” (get it?) with one that has facial lips, is shaped like an anus, or even has labia cast from famous porn starts.  (But only porn stars it seems.  So, no, you cannot, as yet, fulfill your Dame Judy Dench fantasies.)  But there are even more replacement inserts you can get.  Ones that cater to a more… discriminating (?) breed of consumer. Because I like my readers, I shall let you choose whether you wish to scar yourself with this unhallowed knowledge.

Behold, the Avatar Fleshlight.

Okay, sure, I suspect that one is a joke.  But I am fairly certain this one is absolutely serious. And seriously wrong.

I don’t know what’s the wort part about that!  Is it the idea that somebody would want to stick his dick in a mouth with fangs?  That’s a really disturbing vagina dentata fetish you gotta have going on to want that.  But what might be worse is that you know, you absolutely know that that half of these are ordered by adult adolescent women with Twilight fantasies so they can make out with it. 

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